I Hate Love

It happens to all of us: we think we’re having a great time with a fun person. No worries, no obligations, no deep emotional attachment. Then, like fleas on a favorite cat, love rears its ugly head. Suddenly, it’s not just good times with a great person. What used to be fun and light becomes all-encompassing and heartwrenching. Every conversation is suddenly fraught with life-altering consequences. Is this… love?

Here are some tips to prevent this evil emotion from wrecking your life:

1. Eye contact is good for a date or a sex partner. However, if you begin to detect the dreaded “seeing into each other’s soul” phenomenon, you must immediately break the connection in a manner that is terribly embarrassing for one or both of you. “Did you just fart?” is a good approach, as is “You look like my mom.”
2. Pavlov had it right. Association is incredibly powerful. If you find yourself falling in love, train yourself to associate the target of your emotions with very unpleasant stimuli. For instance, if you think you are falling in love with Mary, try repeating “Mary, ugly, Mary, ugly, Mary, ugly” as you go to sleep every night.
3. A good offense is a good defense. If your potential loved one asks what you’re thinking, or otherwise intimates that they want to get to know you on a deeper level, fire back with a firm “none of your business!”
4. The more you care, the more vulnerable you are. Practice non-empathy. For instance, if your date steps into an ice puddle, hurry along and then complain that they are lagging behind.
5. Getting angry with love will do nothing for you. However, getting angry with the person you are falling for may help. Find and exaggerate their faults. If worst comes to worst, make some up and choose to believe them. Try to find offense in innocent or even kind comments.
6. If all else fails, hurt yourself and blame the person you are in danger of falling in love with. Excessive drinking, self mutilation, and even just kicking yourself in the shins for a while can all be their fault, if you look at it properly.

Kurt Vonnegut said that we are what we pretend to be. Pretend to be unloving. Soon, you will be. Hopefully.

Before falling in love, there are some things you should know. It is going to be an unpleasant experience no matter what, but if you learn and follow this advice, you may minimize the damage, or at least be comforted by knowing what’s coming.

• Love can happen when you’re not expecting it. There are steps you can take to minimize the risk, such as only dating people you don’t really like. This is dangerous, though, because if you fall in love with someone you don’t like it is even more painful than falling in love with someone you do like.
• By the time you notice that you are falling in love, it is already too late to escape without any pain. Be sure to note your dates’ faults early and often to avoid being drawn in against your will.
• If you find yourself dwelling on how amazing someone is with any frequency, it is time to panic. Actually, it’s already too late, but you may as well panic anyway.
• Knowing that you are infected is half the battle. Once you recognize the symptoms you can prepare for what’s coming.
• Once you’ve gotten to this point, you are fucked. You have two choices: either you can embrace love and go in with no brakes, enjoying it while it lasts but knowing that you are going to hit the wall running at full speed, or you can try to keep emotional distance and minimize the eventual damage. It doesn’t matter which course you choose, they both suck.
• Eventually, it is going to end and you are either going to be dead or wish that you were. Welcome to the core problem with love: the longer it lasts, the more deeply you feel, the worse it hurts when it ends.